Talking

People claim that talking is a part of healing process. They say, that to heal properly, you need to talk. I think, talking is overrated. I do not say that you should not talk about your problems, or that it is not good thing. I am trying to be psychiatrist after all. But I say, that if you put your trust in wrong person, it may cause bigger damage than just simply shut up. 

On the other hand, I miss having someone to talk to. When I cry at night, or when I just don't get myself, I miss having someone to call. I miss having someone who'd understand. The problem is, that this is probably the only thing that I miss about him. I made him my psychiatrist - and that's not fiance-fiance relationship. That's patient-doctor relationship. 

And I am going trough some shit, that I don't get. If you want to be psychiatrist, not knowing what the hell is going on inside of you, is scaring the crap out of you. I usually get what other people think, I usually get why are they upset or why they act the way they act. But right now, I started to be someone I don't know. I don't know this creepy, mean and sick little scared girl. I am scared to make a list of things that bother me about me, because it would be a loooong one. 

So I decided to follow my own advice and write. Because that's all I have left, isn't it? The old me, behind the computer, tapping some shit about her life. It's helpful, you know? It is supposed to be helpful - to write a journal. So let's do it. Let's write.

I am mean to my mother. Again. I wasn't for the past, i don't know, six months of our relationship. And now, there's again that girl. But i started to be mean to everyone. And don't care about it. 

I am afraid of not caring. Caring makes us who we are, because caring means that you feel. If you don't care, you don't feel. And I want to be a human, I want to be a warrior that fight for people and for future, for herself. I never was that girl. But i want to. So, this would be it. Me trying to fight for me, for my future and for caring. Me trying to learn how not to give up on things, but fight for them. 

Step number one - go do your school stuff for some time.